Fairytale mattresses

Reading reviews of mattresses - I assume they were written by the three bears 🐻🐻🐻 and the princess & the pea 👸🏻🟢

The same mattress is apparently: 

• far too soft, 
• as hard as a brick, 
• really comfortable, 
• and you can feel every spring.

Adult colouring book for blind people

I keep forgetting to post about my work here!

Warmish off the press...

This is a project I've been working on for a looong time.
An adult colouring book for blind and visually impaired people. You can find it here: www.kirstymca.co.uk/blind

The pictures are printed in raised ink by the very helpful West London Print, and are specifically designed to be as understandable as possible by blind people.

Also, I have scented crayons with tactile symbols on them, so people know which colour is which.

 

Cleaning tip

If you feel your hoover isn't sooking as well as it should, it's worth checking that the hose is not blocked by such things as odd bits of plastic, straws, or the handle of a violin case.

At least I think that's what this is.

Faces

The problem with things with faces is that it seems so sad to throw them out 😟

This was once a very happy bin. It still looks very happy - but isn't really a bin any more...

Swallowed a dictionary

Tidying out, and came across a piece of paper from a number of years ago, where I'd jotted down a quote from a kid at Sunday School.

Me:This story will be familiar to all of you

Child: That doesn't look like a story I'm familiar with - according to my calculations 

How to get to Narnia

Just realised that of the five times people from this world accidentally go to Narnia, two involve spare rooms, and two involve railway stations. 

Does this have any significance? Who knows? 

So, along with hands and books, AI can't draw doors.

Learning to tell jokes

6 year old: Why do fairies like fairy cakes?

Me: I don't know, why do fairies like fairy cakes?

6 year old: Because it's a fairy.

Not quite there yet, but on the right track.

Sun

~Douglas Adams

Toner

Having problems with the photocopier - toner not sticking to the paper reliably.

So I google it.

A few answers down, I come across this:

"Is it essential to use a toner? Toner isn’t an absolute.,"

Huh? How can you print without toner?

It then continued:

"but toner will benefit your skin in many different ways, therefore it’s a plus to have toner in your beauty routine."

Ah! the other sort of toner. 

 

This is where more intelligent search AI would be useful.

Paradise?

 I've been rewatching Death in Paradise. It's a fun detective series set on a fictional Caribbean island.

Officer Dwayne Myers, Detective Sergeant Camille Bordey, and Sergeant Fidel Best

I've also been reading the autobiography of Olaudah Equiano - a former slave who was involved in the British abolition movement.

Olaudah Equiano

 

He spent a number of years in the Caribbean, and mentions several of the islands referred to in Death in Paradise. I was interested to read his opinion of it:

"every part of the world I had hitherto been in seemed to me a paradise in comparison of the West Indies."

I guess you don't look at the Caribbean as paradise when the sun, sea, and sand is combined with slavery, brutality, and injustice.

Fiction and non-fiction

I was standing by the church library while two wee girls were looking at the kids' books.

('Bible Fiction' means historical fiction and time-travel stories about Bible events.)

Child 1: In my school we can choose whether we want to read a fiction book or a non-fiction book.

Me: Which do you prefer?

Child 1: Fiction 

Child 2: Non-fiction, because it tells you about things that are real.

It made me think of that Neil Gaiman quote (where he was misquoting GK Chesterton):

Fairy tales are more than true – not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.

I did not confuse them by telling them this!

Unusual things I find when cleaning the church

A little picture book about head lice.

In German.

 

🤔

Leading a team

Read this in an article in an art magazine. But if you substitute 'artist' with 'team member' it could apply to pretty much any team, doing pretty much anything.

Who decides?

I liked this quote about A.I. from Madam Secretary:

Technology is not the enemy, unless we allow it to substitute its judgement for our own.

(Season 6 episode 3: Killer Robots)

Applies in many more situations than killer robots.

Advice for Sunday School teachers

As a new school year begins, I thought I’d post some stuff I wrote for the leaders of my old Sunday School class, on the off-chance it was relevant for someone reading the blog.

There are infinite amounts of advice that could be given, but I think these are the most important, and hold true whatever format or style your teaching takes.

 

✝️ Preach the gospel

Children easily learn to parrot 'Jesus died to save us from our sins'. But they often really believe it's about being good, going to church, or having a Christian family.

Tell them it's not - tell them often.

Don't assume they are believers (Saying ‘IF you love/follow/believe in Jesus…’ is a good way to do that simply.)

Use different words or ways of explaining the gospel, that fit with the story e.g. Yes, Jesus died to take the punishment for our sins - but also, Jesus died to make us God's friends, so we can be in his family, to set us free, to beat the devil, to give us new life etc. etc. etc…

 

 

 📖 Teach the truth

They're young - you need to simplify things. But make sure everything you say is true. (Not watered down, but distilled, as I heard someone say once).

Make sure you're teaching what the Bible actually says, not what tradition has added!

Trite 'Sunday School answers' are often unhelpful. Be honest about the bits you find hard to understand.

If it comes up, be honest about things that Christians genuinely disagree about. This could be 'in some churches they believe X but we believe Y.'
Or, for things that we ourselves have differing opinions on (e.g. creation, predestination, eschatology, Hallowe’en), simply 'Some Christians believe X and some believe Y - but we all believe Z, which is the most important (maybe add ‘ask your parents what they think’.)

Be honest about the sins and failures of Bible heroes. Be honest about your own sins and failures (both at a PG level of course 😁)

 

 

🥰 Look out for outsiders

Every child needs to feel they belong.

Pay particular attention to those who don't fit in in some way - those who attend irregularly, are particularly shy, are always in trouble, struggle academically, hate doing crafts, are from a different race or culture, are less well off, have a disability, are neurodivergent, come from a non-christian family, have a difficult family situation… or just that child you really don't like for whatever reason 😬

If they don't know that we welcome them, they won't understand that Jesus welcomes them. 

 

🙏 Pray

The one I'm least good at!

The best planned lesson in the world is no good without prayer. Pray for yourself as you prepare, pray for yourself as you teach, pray that the children will understand, pray that the Holy Spirit will speak to them.

Pray for their families, pray for their schools, pray that they will not believe the lies the world tells them, pray that they will believe, pray that they will keep on going.

Strange snail

I've never seen a snail crawl up the window before 🤔

Stargate?

I pass this house frequently, and I can't help feeling that if you walked up the path you might end up on another planet.

(Skeptics may say it's a frame for climbing plants, but it's been there for a long time, and never had any plants on it.)

A long lasting paper trail

I'm a great believer in putting things in writing. It means that, if there's any disagreement in the future, you can look back.

Obviously this ancient Babylonian thought so too:

“I am not getting water for my sesame field. The sesame will die. Don’t tell me later, ‘You did not write to me.’ The sesame is visibly dying. Ibbi-Ilabrat saw it. That sesame will die, and I have warned you.”
~from a letter by a guy called Sin-gamil 

Since the Babylonians wrote on clay tablets, his letter has survived for over 3000 years.

I wonder if he got the water for his field.

The eye of the beholder

I was in the train, and a bunch of kids came on, on a school trip.

Obviously the four wee girls in front of me had never been into town on the train before. I caught snatches of their conversation as they exclaimed about everything:

"It's beautiful - look at it. Look at the design. It's like someone's drawn on the bricks."

This was what she was seeing.

"Ohhhhhh.... Guys, look!"

 No idea what she was referring to - all I could see was a plain stone wall.

"Ohhhh... Woaahhh...."

This was some more run down urban scenery.

"Look! It's like such nice sights!"

That was as we crossed the Clyde - not sure if she was referring to the river or the buildings.

 

And finally, as we entered Glasgow Central:

"Ohhhh... Look at this place!"

I know I notice things other people don't see, but they were really taking it to the next level, and getting so much joy out of it.

Made me think of this song by Yvonne Lyon.

Solitary sheep

I'm reading Genesis at the minute, and I got to the bit where Jacob sent a gift to appease his brother Esau: 

🐐 200 female goats, 20 male goats, 

🐑 200 female sheep, 20 male sheep, 

🐪 30 female camels with their babies, 

🐄 40 cows, 10 bulls, 

🫏 20 female donkeys, and 10 male donkeys.

It made me think of the time we did that story at Sunday School and one small boy started giggling.

Because, he said, "180 female sheep wouldn't be able to get married".

Numberblocks woz 'ere

I once read this quote by an author:

when you write your fantasy epic, stumble upon some attractive plotline and pursue it you almost inevitably find a little engraved stone. ‘J. R. R. Tolkien was here first’

~Chris Walley

As an illustrator of children's maths books, I can sympathize with this sentiment, though my plaque would read 'Numberblocks was here first'. 

We could give 1 a single eye? Numberblocks did that first.

We could give 2 glasses? Numberblocks did that first.

4 could involve square shapes? They did that first. 5's motif could be a star? They did that. 7 could reflect a rainbow in some way? They did that too. 8 could be based on either an octopus or a spider? They did BOTH (that's just greedy!) 

I can't possibly avoid everything they've done!

A.I. Psalm

I'm terrible at remembering to post art-related stuff here - I tend to do it on Facebook but I should do both.

I've been playing about with A.I. (don't worry, I'm not going to start using it to draw my pictures!)

 

Anyway, amongst the weird hands, inexplicable outfits, and mutant books, I got this picture:

 

(The prompt I gave it was: Children Sunday School Bible church. Style: cyberpunk)

 

Not only has it got no big errors, but it also made me think of a line from a Psalm. So I made a poster.

 

 

If you want a high-res version it's in my shop (for free) here.

Bad tidying advice

Often articles about tidying say things like ' if you haven't opened a box in a year, just chuck it - you obviously don't need it."

These articles are obviously written by naturally tidy people.

I've just come across a basket - from before lockdown - filled with varying things: old receipts and Sunday school pictures, which could easily be chucked; coloured paper, leftover craft materials and various folders, which were worth keeping but I wouldn't have missed...

...and my employment contract. 

Glad I didn't just chuck the whole lot!

Atlantis bureaucracy

Two scenes from Stargate Atlantis. Nothing profound, just funny. Spoilers for Stargate Atlantis Season 5 Episode 14: The Prodigal

(This clip switches from the first scene of the episode to the second last scene of the episode around the halfway mark, but it's not immediately clear - the change is when he says 'anyway I just wanted to stop by...')

None of the above

All questionnaire questions should have a 'none of the above' option (preferably with a space to explain why).

'Don't know' is not the same.

Different colours

 It's amazing how different the same pattern can look in different colours.

What a good idea!

I've often thought it odd, that when you get flowers they come with a sachet of food, but then when you change the water - which you're supposed to do - you're throwing away the flower food and now just have plain water.

Obviously someone else thought this was odd, too.

Chicken & bacon recipe

You will need:

• Chicken breast (I used frozen chunks)
• Bacon
• Corn
• Flour
• Butter
• Milk
• Honey
• Mixed herbs
• Black pepper
• Folded flatbreads, wraps or similar.

(Sorry, I didn't measure any of the quantities - this is why my white sauce is very unpredictable!)

What to do:

1. Chop up the chicken and bacon and cook in a frying pan with a very little oil, until nice and brown and cooked through. (I tend to add a little water occasionally to stop it from sticking).
2. Meanwhile, make white sauce with the milk, butter & flour.
3. Add honey to sauce (I used a couple of teaspoons for 3 people). Add pepper & herbs.
4. Add corn to frying pan and heat through.
5. Add chicken/bacon/corn to sauce and stir.
6. Warm flatbreads.
7. Fill with mixture.
8. Eat.

Last Words

Words and music by Andrew Peterson and Ben Shive

💧Drip

When people move a bucket that has been placed under a leak - because the bucket is in their way - what do they expect to happen? Do they expect the leak to move, too?

Hopefully the sign will help...

Old broken stuff

 A fun conversation from the radio sitcom Welcome to Our Village, Please Invade Carefully.

An alien commander is complaining that earth is 'a dump':

Zone Commander Ravella: There's old, broken stuff everywhere.
Lucy: You mean like that shopping trolley in the canal.
Zone Commander Ravella: Yes - but also all those old castles. Can you really not be bothered to demolish them?
Katrina: They're our history.
Zone Commander Ravella: I see. We write history down, instead of clogging up the landscape with ugly heaps of useless stone.

Tips for hymn writers

1) Write a chorus.

You may not think your song needs a chorus. You may be right. But someone, somewhere down the line, will decide it does. 

While the adding of choruses is particularly popular currently, the most bizarre example I can think of is the late 19th century addition of a happy jolly chorus to Alas, and did my saviour bleed, which is more of a sombre lament. Most added choruses are better than that - some are excellent. But if you want the chorus to say what you want to say, write one yourself.

Of course, if you do add a chorus, someone will decide it also needs a bridge...

2) Don't die.

The song you write will remain under copyright until 70 years after your death. So if you want to prevent people from monkeying around with your carefully thought through lyrics - sometimes ending up with a song that says something completely different than what you were trying to say - this is a simple (if impossible) solution.

Lorem Ipsum is a Good Thing

When laying out a page design, if you don't yet have the final text it's common to use a dummy text in garbled Latin, which starts "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet..." (hence the name).

I've just been watching a very useful tutorial video on how to do some page layout stuff in InDesign. Very useful, but the narrator had a slightly monotonous voice, and the text on the page was - for no apparent reason - Alice in Wonderland. Guess which I was paying more attention to...

Recyclable embellishments

I found this abandoned kid's craft in church - and realised that the flower embellishments are made entirely of paper, so it can go in the recycle bin. 🎉

It would be nice if more kids' craft materials were recyclable - foam and gems and plastic stickers are nice, but for throwaway crafts this kind of thing is far more environmentally friendly.

Cutest dinosaur ever

Atmosphere matters

I recently rewatched the Stargate Atlantis episode Irresponsible.

The first time I watched it, it felt odd. The climax of the story is the death of a longstanding villain. But it seemed rather perfunctory and anticlimactic, like no big deal. If you blinked you could almost have missed it. He deserved a more dramatic death than that! 

 

But I listened to the director's commentary, and it explains why the episode feels odd - the problem is the setting. 

When it was written, it was supposed to have a bit of a Western feel, and they'd intended to film it in a local wild west village. However that fell through, and they ended up with this place:

 

Not quite the same thing.

So, at the climax of the story, when our hero appears in the nick of time, he should stride down the broad dusty street under a wide open sky, for a dramatic confrontation...

 

 

...but instead he walks a few paces across the lawn in front of some picturesque cottages. 

 

By the time they get to the shooting, the background is cluttered with townsfolk, outlaws and soldiers, who can't be positioned off to the side, because there's no room, or in the distance, because there is none.

 

The director pointed out that if he'd missed he'd have shot his own team, they were so close behind!

They did their best with what they had, but in the director's own words: 

"here comes the standoff: the odd little standoff in the odd little town in the odd little square"

Of course, in reality, a villain can be killed anywhere - under the open skies of a dramatic dusty frontier town, or in a twee and claustrophobic village square. (Or be accidentally run over by a bus for that matter). 

 

But stories aren't real life. 

Interestingly, the same village was used years previously as the setting for an episode of Stargate SG-1 (Revisions). For that episode, set in a cosy little town with a sinister secret, it fitted perfectly.

Atmosphere matters.

C.S. Lewis wrote a lot about this but it's hard to find a decent quote. Here's one from Planet Narnia by Michael Ward, which quotes C.S. Lewis. (He's using the term 'romance' in the old-fashioned sense of an adventure or fantasy story.)

Again and again, in defending works of romance, Lewis argues that it is the quality or tone of the whole story that is its main attraction. The invented world of romance is conceived with this kind of qualitative richness because romancers feel the real world itself to be 'cryptic, significant, full of voices and 'the mystery of life.'' Lovers of romances go back and back to such stories in the same way that we go back to a fruit for its taste; to an air for... what? for itself; to a region for its whole atmosphere—to Donegal for its Donegality and London for its Londonness. It is notoriously difficult to put these tastes into words.'

The Caves of Steel

 

I recently reread The Caves of Steel by Isaac Asimov. I've read it many times before, but I noticed something I hadn't seen before.

It was written in the 50s, but the story happens thousands of years in the future. All of Earth's inhabitants live cheek by jowl, enclosed in giant monolithic Cities. Everything is regulated, centralised and efficient. Food - mostly artificial yeast cultures - is rationed and eaten in huge communal dining rooms. Poor people eat nothing else, but those with higher status may earn the right to a real chicken drumstick - or even to eat at home a few times a week. Toilet and washing facilities are communal - a basin in your own home is another hard-earned privilege. Population is controlled. Houses are small, and the poorest live in grim barracks.

The reason for this? It's the only option, owing to the massive population of earth, which has now reached a whopping 8 billion!

Wait a minute. We're at 8 billion now... 

Happy New Year!

 I always like to post a song for the New Year - but this year I've got two.

They're both about how, as Christians, God uses the ups and downs of life to make us who he wants us to be.

First a sad one:

 And then a cheerier one!